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Writing to your ex during a divorce
Summary
Keep messages short, calm and about practical things: the children, schedules, bills and dates. Wait before answering anything that isn't urgent.
Write as if a judge may read it. Texts, emails and posts can be offered as evidence in court, and a calm record helps everyone, including the children.
If there's a protective order, follow it exactly. If you don't feel safe, you don't have to reply, and you can get help.
Five habits that help
- Keep it short. One topic per message, in a few sentences.
- Stick to facts and logistics: who, what, when, where. Leave out the past, blame and feelings about the marriage.
- Wait before you answer. If it isn't urgent, give it a few hours or a day, and reread your reply before you send it.
- Be polite even when the other message isn't. You don't have to answer every point, only what needs an answer.
- End clearly. Say what you need and by when, or simply confirm what was agreed.
Before and after
- Instead of: "You're late AGAIN. Typical. The kids sat waiting for an hour because of you." Try: "Pickup is at 6 on Friday. If that time doesn't work anymore, please tell me by Thursday so we can change it."
- Instead of: "I'm not paying for that. You always waste money." Try: "I got the bill for the school trip. Could we talk this week about how we'll split costs like this?"
- Instead of: "Fine. Do whatever you want. You will anyway." Try: "I don't agree with that change. Can we talk about it this week, or take it to mediation if we can't agree?"
Keep the children out of it
- Send messages to each other directly, not through the children.
- Don't ask the children about the other parent's life or the case.
- Keep adult topics, like money and the divorce, out of anything the children might see.
- Share school, medical and activity news promptly and plainly. It shows you're both focused on them.
Choose one channel and keep a record
Pick one way to communicate, such as email or a co-parenting app, so nothing gets lost across texts, calls and social media. Some judges order parents to use a co-parenting app.
Keep a copy of what you send and receive, with dates. Try not to delete messages, even upsetting ones; they may matter later. If someone else may check your phone or accounts, keep copies somewhere safer, such as an account only you can open, with a trusted person, or with an advocate.
Stay off social media about the divorce
Don't post about your spouse, the case or your new relationships, and don't message about the divorce in public comments. Posts and private messages can be shown in court, and screenshots last.
When lawyers are involved
If you both have lawyers, settlement offers and legal questions usually go through them. Everyday parenting details can often still go directly between you, if that's safe. When you're not sure, ask your lawyer before you reply.
If you don't feel safe
If there's a protective order, follow it exactly. It may bar any contact, including texts and messages through other people. If the order restricts you, don't make any contact it doesn't allow, even if the other person reaches out. If you're the person it protects and you're contacted in a way it doesn't allow, keep the message if it's safe to, and tell the police (911 in an emergency), your lawyer or an advocate.
If you're being threatened or harassed, you don't have to reply. Save the messages if you can do it safely. If you're in danger right now, call 911. Georgia's statewide domestic violence hotline is 1-800-334-2836 (1-800-33-HAVEN). An advocate can help you make a safety plan and ask the court for a protective order.
Questions you might ask a lawyer
- Is it okay for me to talk with my spouse directly right now, and about what?
- Should we use a co-parenting app, and would the court want us to?
- What should I do with messages that worry me?
Common questions
Can text messages be used in a Georgia divorce?
Yes. Texts, emails and social media posts can be shown in court, for example in a custody dispute. Write every message as if a judge may read it.
Do I have to answer every message from my ex?
No. Answer what needs an answer, such as schedules and decisions about the children, and leave the rest. If you're being threatened or harassed, you don't have to reply at all; save the messages if it's safe to, and get help.
Should we use a co-parenting app?
Many parents find one helpful because it keeps messages, schedules and expenses in one place with dates. Some judges order parents to use one.
Sources
- WomensLaw, what a Georgia family violence protective order can include
- Georgia Commission on Family Violence, statewide hotline
- DeKalb Superior Court, sample family violence protective order (PDF)
Laws and court rules change. If something here looks out of date, email help@divorce.city.